They’re Good At Communicating
Communication is a necessary part of any healthy relationship, but it’s especially important when it comes to sex. You need to be able to communicate about consent, your boundaries, and your desires. You need to be able to give feedback to your partner, and be able to accept feedback from them. You need to be able to talk about awkward or uncomfortable moments, and about the good times too! If the two of you aren’t able to talk about sex openly and honestly, it’s not a good sign of things to come. It can take a little while to develop the trust necessary for good communication, but you want to look for partners who don’t seem to shy away from talking.
They Make An Effort
Keeping your sex life hot over the course of years (or even your entire lifetime!) takes a LOT of effort! Great sex is created. It doesn’t just happen naturally. Perhaps the single most important characteristic to look for in a sexual partner is their willingness to put effort into keeping your sex life interesting, romantic, and intimate. Even in the beginning, do they ask what you like? Do they suggest new positions?
You also want your partner to be active about addressing problems. Even the most sexually compatible couples are going to argue about sex from time to time. And every couple is going to have to deal with life challenges and stresses that negatively impact their sex life. You want a partner who will make an active effort to keep making room for your sex life, even when it feels like it’s the two of you against the world. Admittedly, this is a tricky one to get a feel for in the early stages of a relationship, but you can ask questions like, “what has it been like for you in the past when the honeymoon stage of your relationships ended?” Or you can share about your own relationship history, and see how your new person responds.
One of the most frequent questions I get asked is, “how much sex should we be having?” I understand the tendency to compare yourself to the Joneses, but partners who are truly compatible worry more about having great sex than having frequent sex. If you’re having quality sex, the regularity will naturally fall into place.
You also want a partner who respects your needs and your pleasure. Things are going to happen over the course of your relationship that make it harder for you to have sex as regularly as you used to, but if you have a partner who cares about your needs, you won’t feel neglected. A compatible partner cares just as much about your pleasure as they care about their own, and they’re invested in making sure you enjoy yourself every time.
You’re never going to find a partner that you’re completely compatible with, but that’s OK! Small incompatibilities aren’t going to harm the foundation of your relationship in the same way fundamental discrepancies will. If you and your partner can acknowledge and respect your similarities and your differences, you’ll be set for a happy relationship for years to come.
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Once you start dating someone new, have a conversation or two about what sex means to you and what you get out of it. What do you each feel after you’ve had sex? Some people use sex as a way to feel connected. Others use it as a way to be silly and playful. Other like constantly exploring new things in the bedroom. Some people only have sex because they think it’s what they’re “supposed” to do. Others avoid sex due to past traumatic sexual experiences. If sex means love and intimacy to you, but your partner sees it only as a release, it’s not likely to work out in the long-run.